Keeping The Bling At Home

A couple weeks ago, one of the young professionals whom I mentor asked me why I don’t wear my wedding band.  She went on to say that she was surprised that given the amount of time we’ve spent together it was odd that she just recently found out my marital status.  She went on to ask if we were in the process of splitting up – thus making sense in not wearing the ring. When I said no, she looked more puzzled.

Throughout my career, the presence of my ring sparked all sorts of questions while in a professional setting.  Other doctors have asked me questions like, “How did you get permission from your husband to come to the conference?”, “Does your success bother your husband?”, “Why can’t you just stay home and take care of your female duties?”, “Why should you get paid when you can ask your husband for an allowance?” Mind you, these questions came from accomplished and educated people.  Both men and women felt comfortable asking this stuff. Those questions, while painful, pointed to a bigger theme. Regardless of my accomplishments and how hard I worked to get to where I am, once married, all those successes vanished. My identity vanished, and I was categorized as a wife first.

There is nothing wrong with being a wife.  If I didn’t like the concept, I wouldn’t have married in the first place.  However, there is so much more to women than the presence or absence of a life partner.  In my opinion, going to grad school was so much more difficult than getting married. Building each of my businesses was also a tough journey, much harder than pulling together a wedding.  So, why does acknowledgement of all of that vanish with the presence of a piece of jewelry?

Then the experiment happened.  A few years ago, I took my ring off for all work functions.  Can you guess what happened next? The wildly inappropriate questions about my marriage also stopped.  I was taken more seriously and acknowledged for my accomplishments. In conferences or coaching sessions, the questions I received were more aligned with professional topics.  The best part? The request to bring my “husband to an interview, so he can give his permission for me to work and negotiate on my behalf” completely vanished.

Circling back to the young woman, after explaining this to her, I asked if I had my ring on, would our coaching sessions have been different.  She reluctantly said, “Yes. I would have asked you for dating advice and how to run a household – nothing related to making money or career growth.”  There is nothing wrong with those questions, but she was getting coached on building her career. In the end, the bling can get distracting. Think about that.